murphy-slaw's Diaryland Diary

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Thank you, drive thru

Never finished. Never satisfied. One obstacle overcome, countless more to go. Each day is something new, a new test, a new puzzle. A new revelation. Some days I get tired of the testing, of the "growing my character". Other days I am amazed at how far I have come, and how much closer I am on the continuum of who I want to be. Then there are days that I don't know myself, my friends or family, or my God. The world around me is alien. My life and the things important to me lose their original meaning and purpose. Nothing matters. Everything is redundant, chatotic, and stupid. On those days I long to be Amish or a hermit in the Andes or something. Away from the callousness, away from the superficiality of everything. Alone with myself and to feel real again. Whole. Pure.

It's not fair that I can't be happy of my own volition. But it's the way it is. It's who I am. Do I accept that and live my life, or do I fight myself and the world for the rest of my days trying to become someone that is content with herself unconditionally? Is that possible? Can people be like that, or is it some far off unachieveable summit that only kings and really rich people with a lot of time on their hands can reach? The more likely option is that I fight myself off for the rest of my life. When I look at it that way, it seems impossible. Mt. Everest. My strength drains out of me. I am an albino. (I hear they're wimpy). All my achievements mean nothing. All that I am not is all there is.

On days like these, I am reminded that I cannot do this alone. I need God as my rock. But what happens when I lose sight of that too? What if I know I have lost sight, but am too far gone to try to look for it again? And have lost the will to do so? What then? Have I done this to myself? Am I painted into the proverbial corner because I will not submit to something higher? Will not trust? Will not be vulnerable? There is no place for me that is good and clean and pure when my heart is closed. No room at the inn. Thank you drive thru.

Ack. Maybe Law and Order is onů

MS sez: Ack

12:58 p.m. - 2006-09-22

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